I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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