What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
