its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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