Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
