His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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