My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
