I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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