Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
