piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
