Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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