saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
