i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
