Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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