Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
