Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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