the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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