I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
