She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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