I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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