if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My Sexting was not on an AP level
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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