Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
