woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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