Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
