I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize