I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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