Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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