im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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