Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm eating all of the evidence.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
