Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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