I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
