id be glad to
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
