The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dicks are not precious.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
