Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
