well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
