If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
