I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
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