Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
