Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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