Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
