My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
not ubering you a puppy
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
