So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
