gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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