Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
