He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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