I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
