I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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