theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
