Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
