Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
