I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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