Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize