they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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