So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
