Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
