I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
