how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
